Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Chase

A dog chases its tail
It runs
It pounce on it
Yet it never gets to touch it.

I chase after the wind
I run
I try to grab it
Yet nothing stays in my palm.

If it will stop going in rounds and move on
If i will just stop my steps and close my eyes
the tail will follow behind it
the breeze will kiss my cheeks.

As we chase after nothing
In nothingness.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Ending or Beginning?

2007 has ended. Looking back,it has really been an incredible, dramatical journey year for me.

To give it a start, I started the first ever "proper" job in my life as an account clerk in a food supplier company. Before i decided to take up this job, i found a job as a salesgirl (thats what usually Spm leavers will normally do isn't it?). But somehow the arrogant, overbearing self seems to protest that isn't it abit of err...waste of talent after all the efforts put in all these years but nowhere to utilize these knowledge that i have gained? In this small tiny boutique? Of course not! And so here i move on from a shop into an air-conditioned office.
Wuhoo, awesome an easy job huh?Yet God said : You are wrong, girl! It wasn't really that comfortable, that carefree, that easy working in an office okay. First , you have to sacrifice your freedom by trapping yourself in that square space with only a computer , calculator and one colleague as company. This is totally unimaginable for a person like me who will die if I stop talking or making noise for more than 10 minutes. Scary...Then what you deal with each day each minute each second from 8am to 5pm are numbers, numbers, and still numbers.
Phew, Im so glad that i survived and managed to escape from there 3 months later. Although it had been a suffering more than a pleasure to me, i have to admit that i do learnt alot there and also getting clearer of my future direction. I will never do something got to do with accounts again!

Next come another headache. What to study and where to study. The most surprising thing is that I never ever expect that i will get into matriculation, which seems even harder than getting an A for my Arts. I asked, i thought, i consider, i struggled. Alot had advised me to stay for STPM, but in the end i still chose to leave since thats God's will.

First time leaving home, it turns out to be worse that what i could think of. No family, no friends, everything have to start from the scratch. The rushing syllabus,stressful unstoppable tests and limited freedom made me even want to escape from this invisible cage. I began to wonder is my stubborness to leave in the beginning made me get what i deserved now? I cried. I thought i was strong enough, but sadly no. Father, I don't like it here. Father, save me from here. This is what i whispered to Him every night under my blankets in tears. He heard me, He answered me. He wiped away my tears. The next thing i know is to receive a call from a friend telling me that my appeal for JPA had succeded. Another miracle.

This is the scholarship most of us dreamt of, because it offers us a chance to further our studies overseas without burdening our family. It seems so faraway, so impossible. Yet, i got it. God is so gracious to me that He made all the impossible possible. I was offered Pharmacy Twinning in IMU. I have to say my family, my principal seem to be happier than i am. Yeah i can run away from matrics but to be honest is pharmacy really suits me? Will i give up half-way again like what happened in matrics? Is this really what i want? Too many questions, too many uncertainties. Once again, i decided to surrender my future, my destiny, my life into His hands to follow what He had planned for me.

Second time leaving home, it was certainly much more easier to adapt to life here. But the biggest difference i found here in Intec is the people here. God did not put me here alone. He gave me a big big family of Christ that i never thought of. They are always there for me, happy or sad. I found a sense of familiarity and warmth even in this faraway land from home. First, we have Campus Alive here, which connects every of the brothers and sisters in Christ here together which gives us the opportunity to draw closer to God in the process of learning and growing.

Then i get to attend church, a chance i never had before this. Another big, cute ,warm family gifted by God. Of course not to forget my comrades who have been fighting all along with me till now, never give up and never forget to tell you that You are never alone in this journey.

I have alot of sweet memories here, because they are shared.

Christmas time. A season of love and blessings. Apart from all the gifts, cards, santa claus lies the true meaning of the birth of Christ. A symbolism of hope, peace and joy. This year christmas is special because i have my room mate Steffie and my sis Pae Chen here with me, joining us in carolling. House to house we sang, spreading the joy of christmas around. Able to meet all the Yfers again is what im thankful for. God knows how much i miss them.

So yeah this is roughly what happened throughout the year of 2007, year of new height. Moved from Kluang to Tangkak, then to Shah Alam and lastly back to Kluang again. If you never leave home, leave your friends behind, you wouldn't know how much you gonna miss them. If you never take a step out, you wouldn't know how borderless is the world outside there. If you neverf fall before you will never know how much it hurts and how much it meant for that helping hand to give you a pull to help you stand on your feet again.

It wasn't a smooth journey for me. Instead God took me up the mountains, down the valleys, through bushes of thorns, dry deserts. experience storms, strong winds and get to taste the feelings of lost. But just as every Father wants to see the best out of their children, He sent us off on a rocky path for us to grow, mature and one day metamorphose into that beautiful butterfly he set us to be. His faithful hands will never let go of mine in this walk with Him.

2008, instead of setting my eyes on Beijing Olympic Games which i will never get a chance to take part in, i chose to focus on God. I asked him for directions. I prayed for him to continue making that difference in me so that i could be that difference for others. I asked for Him to blow off that layer of dust covering me so that i could shine for him from within.

2008, God i want to present an interesting story of mine for you.

Stay tuned !

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test He will receive the crown of Life, which God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12